In May 2012 I suddenly began to make a series of short films on my phone, they had no apparent theme, I just started to film random scenes that caught my attention. On June 6th 2012 I suffered an acute cardiac arrest and sudden death whilst at the beach. I was kept in CPR for 40 minutes by two RLNI Lifeguards before being resuscitated and airlifted to hospital where my heart stopped again whilst I was in a coma. 3 days after coming out of the coma and 72 hours after my given life expectancy, I asked for my phone and was able to continue making these short films. I continued to make them for several weeks after being discharged from hospital, then as suddenly as I had started, I just stopped.

At the time I was working in palliative care and was familiar with the way in which people came to terms with their impending death. I noticed that this usually began with what appeared to be an almost subconscious realisation that their body was winding down.They would suddenly become acutely aware of their surroundings, taking note of seemingly insignificant instances that they would attach a great deal of importance to, creating a personal narrative from which it seemed, they were making sense of their situation.

Whilst recently reviewing the films I made during the weeks leading up to my event, I was surprised to notice that they appeared to predict my own impending death. I was taking note of seemingly insignificant instances that on reflection tell of my serious illness, as if I was trying to tell myself that I was living on borrowed time. I had a 98% occlusion of the mid circumflex, my heart was starved of oxygen and it was only a matter of time before a fatal blockage would occur.

I have taken 40 stills from the films made during this time, one for every minute that my heart was stopped, and have put them together as a narrative that speaks of what was almost the final days of my life, my illness, impending death and my journey to the afterlife and back again into the care of my guardian angels in ICU. 

It is my belief that from the moment I decided to document the weeks leading up to my event, I was in the presence of death. I believe that this presence stayed with me until I stopped making the films several weeks after my heart surgery, and whilst I was the one pressing 'record' I believe it was death who was in the director's chair calling the shots.

A few notes on the films:

Most of the imagery in these films needs no explanation as it suggests familiar symbolic references to death, deities, spirits or the afterlife. The sky, a river, a journey, crossing a bridge, or my unhealthy diet, smoking and blocked arteries. However, there are a few films that I feel need a bit of further explanation.

The smoking man:  
Filmed the day before my event. I had been a smoker for 30 years, the main reason for my heart disease. I was walking down the road filming my feet, I panned up and he was just stood there... he didn't say anything, just chuckled sinisterly. I now see him as Death, The Grim Reaper, just waiting for me.

Walking through the orange doorway down to the river: 
Filmed just after meeting the smoking man. Soon my soul would join the others floating off down stream.

Walking to work:
My place of work appearing through the trees on my last walk to work.

Last teabreak:
Smoking a cigarette and drinking a mug of tea before going on duty for the last time. (I was on the third day of leave when I had my cardiac arrest)

Washing away the nightshift: 
In the bath after my last shift before my cardiac arrest. (In the last second, the camera pans up to the window, the view from this window is a graveyard)

 My morphine bed: I was moved from ICU to a coronary care ward after coming out of the coma. I had my own room and after a few days my drips were removed and I was able to move around the room. I woke in the middle of the night and found myself in a very unusually lit environment, I wasn't sure, after my out of body experiences, if I was dead or alive... but I was hallucinating wildly due to the amount of morphine I was on to relieve the pain from my broken ribs... (40 minutes of CPR) My bed was a sea of writhing bodies and faces, all grinning, taunting and goading. At the time I thought I would be able to capture their spirits in my phone, fortunately that wasn't the case. Nothing much happens in this video, it was all in my mind... but it will give you some idea of how strange my room and bed looked if you imagine being delirious on morphine. 

Electrocardiogram monitor: 
I watched this screen for 12 hours solid... at the time I felt that it was only my willpower that was keeping me alive and I tried to keep my heart beating with mental energy (that's the morphine again) but I suppose in a way, that's how it is.

Sun through the trees: 
I was allowed out of the ward and into the open air unaccompanied for the first time a day after my heart surgery... it felt as if I was experiencing sunlight for the first time in my life.

Scenes from Bladerunner and Midnight Cowboy:
Two of my favorite films. I watched them both in the week leading up to my event and was compelled to film both Rizzo and Roy's death scene, consciously unaware that I was dying myself.

In the park: 
I got my son to film this the day I was discharged from hospital, I felt so detached from everyone and everything, as if a part of me was still in the realm between worlds (the place I went to when I died) this is what it feels like to be dead and waving to your family as you leave for the afterlife...just very very surreal. 

Thank you RLNI lifeguards, Air Ambulance Paramedics and the ICU team for your part in saving my life.